Having been picked on and bullied so much throughout my school career, I had come to understand that I could deflect a good percentage of that by demeaning myself first before anyone else could. And I recall that by the time I was a freshman in high school -- 14 years old -- I responded to one of my bullies questioning, "What are you? Some kind of asshole?" with a simple "yes" because I had already learned through experience that it would disarm him enough to stop the emotional abuse. It did indeed put a halt to that particular emotional abuse as I'd hoped... but it wouldn't be until decades later that I started to understand that it did not in fact halt the abuse on the whole, it just shifted the perpetrator of it from him to me. Throughout much of my life, I'd not only demean myself before others could, but I'd continue to demean myself when someone extended a compliment! It wasn't until I was in my 40s and my wife had to literally tell me to shut up and just accept any compliments she gives me that I realized I'd been doing that for my entire life.
A good chunk of the book then deals with her therapy and how they're taught to process what had happened. (I won't go into detail in case any of that is triggering for any of you. Gormally includes a significant content warning at the start of the book, by the way, so they're not going to catch her readers off-guard either if they come across the book unaware.) They do seem to work through much, if not most, of her trauma from that event but this then unlocks some other issues related to how her parents never accepted her coming out of the closet. Cara continues working with her therapist and emotionally confronts some of the issues only hinted at previously. I feel I should clarify, too, that this is all work on Cara's end. Although they don't say expressly, it seems like her parents cut her out of their life entirely and they have no relationship with them at all any more. Her emotional work is in acknowledging the 'radical acceptance' of her needs and it's okay to grieve that her parents refused to meet them. This allows Cara to slow down and appreciate things of and for herself, accepting and loving who they are and who they are trying to become.
I think it's hard not to admire Gormally's openness and honesty in this book, and they pack a LOT of it in. Even though the book is only 144 pages long, her pages use a 12-panel grid making every spread very dense. This is particularly useful in relaying both her earlier sense of just burying herself in some form of work all the time and seemingly trying to keep things moving 24/7, as well as when they're wrestling with various emotional issues and they keep hitting in an unyielding, drum-beat-like series of flashes. This density allows her to include both a lot about the emotions they're actually dealing with -- not just "I feel shame" or whatever, but also the context and rationales for everything -- but also also some of the more clinical aspects of the therapy. While they do try to be accurate in her descriptions and the psychology behind the treatments, they're also clear that they're not the expert nor a substitute for a professional, so readers should contact a mental health provder if they want to explore similar treatments and strategies. That said, I found some of the treatment descriptions very enlightening, and I'll definitely be looking up more information about some of them.
I've never been raped and I'm not gay, so I can't say how cathartic or empowering reading this might be for others who have dealt with those issues directly. But even without being able to lay claim to having anything nearly as traumatic as what Gormally describes, there were more than a few aspects here that I could easily relate to. That notion of 'radical acceptance' they discussed ties very explictly back to that anecdote I started with about my wife having to tell me to stop dismissing her compliments with self-deprecation. It's something I still struggle with, despite understanding where it comes from and how it started. I suspect I have some other, less significant issues that I haven't fully identitifed yet that have kept me from getting to where Gormally seems to be by the end of her book.
Everything is Fine, I’ll Just Work Harder is a powerful read. It's estimated that 20% of women in the US have been either raped or were attemped to have been raped. I expect many of them will see a lot to recognize and appreciate here, but I believe the lessons here go much farther beyond that group. I think the vast majority of people in the country carry some form of trauma any more and could stand to see Gormally's story. The book came out earlier this year from Street Noise Books -- celebrating their fifth anniversary this year! -- so it should be availble through your favorite bookstore. It retails for $19.99 US, though the publisher provided a digital copy for this review.
0 comments:
Post a Comment